Some of My Dreams

1. Drive out of state to visit a friend, or drive out of state just for the sake of driving out of state.
2. Learn how to swim
3. Throw a costume party in which the guests must perform monologues, original or borrowed.
4. Create a monologue board game.
5. Write a novel.
6. Travel the world.
7. Tell people what I really think instead of telling them what I think will make me seem more likable.
8. Write and direct a movie.
9. Take singing lessons
10. Compose music.
11. Go to California.
12. Become a casting director.
13. Take the European Art Cinema class at Emory.
14. Become a film historian.
15. Pay my daughter's tuition.
16. Eat out every meal until I get tired of eating out.
17. Buy five new outfits per week.
18. Make money in a creative, happy, casual environment. (my own office would be preferable)
19. Be the free spirited wacky person that I naturally am, without pretending to be otherwise.
20. Enjoy every day of being me.
21. Have wonderfully close, creative, fun, and carefree friendships.
22. Own a house large enough to hold many guests without anyone having to come in contact with each other.My guests would have their own wing; they could stay as long as they like and we would meet in the evenings for dinner in the formal dining room where there would be lively or subdued conversation, depending upon our mood, followed by a game of cards and more lively or subdued conversation.
23. Merchant Ivory movie marathon Mondays.
24. Never worry again.
25. Have a fire in the fireplace every day of winter.
25. Appreciate every minute of my life, both the good and the not so good.
26. Play tennis three times per week.
27. Never come in contact with another fluorescent light.
28. Experience the world as lit through lamp light.
29. Own a Golden Doodle.
30. Never experience another moment of shame or guilt.
31. Have access to a constant flow of creative and productive ideas.

Illusion

There is a center which is calm, sweet, and serene; chaos lives at the periphery. An intent gaze melts the chaos, transforming it into millions of tiny rays of scintillating pink light. With the light comes the revelation that sharp edges are in fact smoothe, and monsters are nothing more than stuffed animals under the bed. The safety lasts for a moment, until the chaos crystallizes once again carrying with it the illusion of sharpness.

Cohesion not Dissolution

Bringing together disparate parts of my life and weaving them into a whole is a challenge. Lately I have been blending people together in my mind, forgetting that they belong in very different categories in my life. Yesterday, I began to panic that my worlds were about to collide; I began to question myself and my choices, worrying that my life was becoming too messy. My fear and self-doubt stemmed from my life taking on an unconventional feel. I began to worry that I wasn't doing things that other people would find conventional or normal. My thoughts are becoming more simple and yet more complex. Judgements that I previously held are beginning to lose their grip. I have become more hopeful, insightful, and deeper and yet part of me desperately wants back in the tight airless box that I was in a few months ago. On an intuitive level I know that I must not run away from change and the unknown. My desire: creating harmony on all levels, cohesion not dissolution.

Film and Books

I have learned from past experience that more often than not when someone tells me that I must see a certain movie or read a particular book, I can take it as a good sign that I probably won't like the recommended book or movie.

Best not to advise me of any movies that my contain: car chases, explosions, Russians portrayed with British accents (unless the characters studied abroad), Nicolas Cage, predictable and unimaginative dialogue and plot.
Film preferences: new wave and auteur cinema; small movies that you might find at an art house, but that would never appear at your local AMC theatre; foreign films that are authentically foreign ie. they are not attempting to reproduce American films.

Books: I'm not a great fan of excessive detail, I like some things to be left to my imagination (surrealism can be nice); I am more interested in the inner life of the character than of the events in the character's life; I love prose that flow like poetry.

If it's a best seller or a blockbuster hit I probably won't enjoy it. When my husband and I first got married I explained to him that it wasn't that I was intentionally be difficult or snobbish in my choices, I genuinely do not enjoy watching USA network or Titanic for that matter.

After having said all of that, I must confess that if You've Got Mail were on television right now I would relish every minute of it.

Too Much Good?

For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to believe in and tried really hard to convince myself of my inherent specialness. But what if there are other "special" people out there too? Would that take away from my specialness?

This morning as I was perusing the Internet and waiting for my daughter to get ready for school I happened upon several well written blogs by writers that have great depth and insight into themselves and the journey of life. My first thought was, "Oh no, I'm not the only one! Maybe I'm really not so special!" However once my sense of panic passed, I was able to think more rationally and less insecurely about the issue.

Many years ago when I did my brief stint in chiropractic school, there was a lot of talk about how the U.S. was flooded with chiropractors. There was a chiropractor on every street corner so it seemed. Some students feared that there would not be room for them in the field. The same thing was true when I was in graduate school for counseling, there was a great deal of talk about the inundation of counselors in the social services field. All of this worry about there being too many people doing the same thing makes some people worry that there won't be room for them, so maybe they should look elsewhere for a career or means of self-expression.

As I was sitting in a dark parking lot this morning waiting for carpool, I remembered the many wonderful teachers that I have had in my life. Many of them had the same message, some of them said it a little differently and others said it exactly the same. Even if the message was the same, the person presenting it was different than the one before. Two people may be interested in the same issue, however, they may need to learn from different people. We are all unique human beings, and we respond differently to different people.

Can there really be too much good in the world? Every beautiful word, piece of art, and loving act enriches our world. There can never be too much good.

Fullness

It is possible for one to feel stuck or even sad and still be able to experience,appreciate, and give thanks for the beauty that surrounds them. I am struggling with certain things in my life, and have felt a certain amount of frustration and despair about not being able to figure out how to move ahead. However, I can still look out my window and feel awe and wonder for the beauty of the natural world. I can hold sadness and still have the capacity to acknowledge the many miracles and gifts that I have been presented with over the past few days. This is the experience of being a human being: experiencing everything, withholding nothing.

Surreal Winter

Winter bathes the world in a surreal light. As I look out my window I feel as though I am looking at a stage set for a play. The bare branches of the trees hold intricacy and detail that had been previously hidden by the fullness of its leaves. Winter is not colored in the pastels of spring, but in the vibrancy and richness of acrylics. It is winter and I am living in a play that has been transposed onto canvas. Breathtaking.