Confession

I haven't posted in a very long time. There hasn't been anything that I have wanted to say. I haven't wanted to share my inner thoughts and feelings with other people. But right now, in this moment, I feel terribly lonely and empty; two very vulnerable and painful emotions. The last thing that I have wanted to do was to share my vulnerability with other people, since I have always equated vulnerability with rejection.

Maybe I'm being impulsive. However, I know that I need to write; it has been so long. It feels as though I have lost most of my ability to convey anything meaningful. As I am writing these words, I feel the emptiness filling up ever so slightly.

There are so many of you that I want to reach out to, but I hesitate because more than anything, I fear rejection and judgement. I never let my guard down; always on edge; constantly frightened of being hurt.
So much of the time, I am terrified, and this is the way it has always been for me. Sometimes I want to let people know that I'm so scared. I want to be told that it's all okay, that I'm okay and that I am really not the terrible person that I imagine myself to be. I live in a constant state of feeling as though I have done something terribly wrong, and I am just waiting for punishment to come my way. Although if I scan my memory I can't find the terrible thing that I have done. I've made some mistakes, but those things don't make me a bad person. So I carry this kind of shameful feeling with me always. I realize that some of you will judge me for confessing my vulnerability, and quite frankly I'm not sure that my sharing in this way is even appropriate. There are probably better ways to connect, and I may regret this later. But I hurt and I don't want to be in this pain alone.

Vulnerability

So as it turns out, my interest for the blog has returned, not full force but a spark. Something in me shut down when I found myself feeling exposed and vulnerable. The truth is, I hardly ever allow myself to really feel vulnerable in "real" life. I stuff down all emotions that will lead me to that bad place that I don't want to go. I am extremely guarded and self-protective and I hate feeling vulnerable, ever. So, I don't let people in and when they try to enter my world, they frequently find that the gates are locked, or if they manage to sneak in past the guard and around to the back entrance they will eventually find themselves expelled.

The only time that I ever really allow myself to be exposed is through writing. When I write I feel safe, strong, and confident enough to share myself openly and vulnerably with others. I'm not sure that I need or want to give that up right now. I want to thank La Belette Rouge for sharing herself so openly, warmly, and lovingly through her writing. She makes the prospect of keeping and maintaining a blog an attractive and appealing idea for me. She inspires me to continue communicating through this means. Thank you La Belette.

I am better in writing than I am in person. In person I come off as shy, cold, or aloof. Really I am just scared. With my husband and daughter and with my friend Pamela, the real me emerges. Funny and crazy. But even with the people close to me I don't want to be vulnerable. But I can show up in my writing as an authentic version of me, and that will have to do for now.