Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Stuff and Nonsense

If you would have told me four weeks ago that I would soon be sitting in a therapist's office attending clinical supervision because I had decided to be a therapist after all, I think I would have thought you were crazy. Or if I happened to believe that what you were telling me was true, then I think I might have become severely depressed. Because this is not the vision that I had of my life. This is not the direction that I planned to be heading. Not only would I have been sad, I would have been furious at the turn of events. I had planned to write; or attempt to write; or fantasize about writing. But use the degree that I spent so much time and effort to achieve, never. Yet this morning I was sitting in a therapist's office attending clinical supervision, and I must confess that it was surreal. What the hell was I doing there?

Something feels different; I kind of feel more grown up. It's sort of like I have opened the door to having a career, and it looks as though I am in control. I realize that control is an illusion, however, I don't know a better way to put this than that it feels as though I am not at someone's mercy. I can choose the hours that I see clients, and I like that. However, I have no control over whether or not my imaginary clients will materialize into flesh and blood people that want to become my real counseling clients. Perhaps I am becoming a more balanced person. Maybe my life doesn't have to be all or nothing, maybe I can be creative and a therapist, or a creative therapist.

This is completely not what I planned to write about if I wrote anything at all. What I really wanted to write about was how ambivalent I feel about Facebook and blogging and technology. But I got off track. I once again find myself somewhat at peace with FB. I go through phases where I feel so disgusted with having the ability to share with a group of friends and acquaintances my most meaningless and random thoughts or even my bathroom habits if I was so inclined. In those moments of virtual doubt and confusion, I wish that I could be alone in a jungle with just me and an antelope or two, sans iPhone. I ask myself if it really matters if I have friends or if I am in touch with anyone. In those moments I am perfectly happy with myself, my little family, and my humble life, and feel no need to let any of you know about my receding gums, or that my roots are growing in too fast, or that I just can't seem to get my arms in shape at this stage in my life.

I'm back in the game for the moment, and I'm enjoying it.


  1. "Something feels different; I kind of feel more grown up." *smile* I don't particularly have any helpful comment to make except that your post brought a smile to my face. I get it.

  2. yeah I was moved in the same way that Devorah was. It sounds like this is a great step for your life, not that you're getting more "control" of your life as you say, but you're taking more ownership of your life's events and being a participant in them instead of watching them go by.

    I would love to hear more of your thoughts on Facebook. I have so many grievances with it, it's ridiculous. So many of my relationship conflicts have been exacerbated because of it, leading many of them to become so unnatural and artificial. There's a lot to learn there.

  3. It does sound like the beginning of a very interesting adventure.

    I have a love-hate relationship with Facebook. I often (very often) want to delete my account. But then I'd lose touch with some special friends and family members. I try to set the privacy features to protect myself against certain negative folks, but then I don't really trust Facebook privacy...