Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Have You Changed Since October?

How have you changed since October? A couple of posts ago I mentioned that I have changed since I started writing this blog in October. I still have the same chronic anxiety, fear of social situations, and self-doubt that at times completely paralyzes me, however, even with all of that I feel that I have changed and my life has grown richer. Things that were important to me in October aren't important to me now, and vice versa. I have become more interesting as a person now that I am interested in more things. I am learning about who I am and who I am not.

More things that I am learning: I am not a team player; I don't play well with others; I am not a teacher; I am not a leader; I don't want to be in charge of anyone other than myself (it's challenging enough just dealing with me), I am not a good listener.

In the past, like a week or two ago, I entertained the idea of what it would feel like to be a boss. Maybe if I were the one in charge I would be less anxious in certain situations. I was so off on this one, it is unbelievable just how far off I was. In August I started teaching Hebrew School on Sundays. I thought that it would be pretty great to have my own classroom and to have some sense of being in control. Hebrew School has taught me just how fallacious my reasoning has been all these years that I fantasized about being in charge. What I have learned is that I am not a teacher, and I don't like being in charge. In fact I am absolutely horrible at being in charge. I am not assertive and hate being in a position of telling people what to do and trying to maintain some sense of order. It's unbelievable how wrong I have been about myself.

Whenever I would take a personality test or a job test I would answer the questions under the false assumption that I enjoy working with people. What an earth was I thinking? All of the evidence accrued through years of work experience obviously points to the fact that I hate working with other people. My anxiety becomes so intense that it becomes hard for me to function. Working in corporate America? Forget about it, that most definitely is not me. So it turns out that I have been answering test questions incorrectly for several years. I am an introvert as much as I might want it to be otherwise. I am a person that does best working alone far away from other people.

Before I hit twenty I was very clear that I wanted to do something creative with my life. Somehow along the way I lost sight of what I really care about and value. I tried on someone else's identity, and it turns out that it looked terrible on me.

An old friend of mine that I hadn't seen or spoken to in several years told me that she couldn't believe how much I have changed. She thinks that I am dynamic, confident, and outgoing. When I hung up the phone I was completely baffled. However, some people actually do see me that way, so I'm sure that exists somewhere inside me. Perhaps I am a mixture of both.

I see myself a bit clearer than I did in October, although the glass is still pretty smudged. I hope that by April I will feel differently than I do now. Mental evolution is such a fascinating process; I love it.

I'm curious if other people notice changes in their internal or external lives in a very short time. How have you changed since October? 


  1. I always thought I was confident and outgoing as an adult. It is amazing what a bad employer can destroy and tear down in just a short time. There is something to be said in being the boss. I know that I would never want to make anyone feel the way I have had people in authority over me make me feel. That is all I have to say about that.
    Just had to vent a minute.

  2. Write a blog, change your life. I think it needs to be a book because it is so true. More self-awareness is an obvious benefit of the blog. And one of the lovely things about blogging is you get to see yourself change over time in a document and you get to witness others perceptions of you. I was stunned to hear that i was courageous. I never saw myself that way. But blogging has taught me that I am.
    To answer your question? YES!! I have changed a ton in the last four months. It sort of amazes me.
    And, dear Davida, I love watching your process.

  3. I read back my diary entries and I see one messed up little puppy. October is when I turned 28. I was lost, angry, hopeless and just battling with every aspect of my life.

    Today, everything is different. I am happy. I am strong. I am fearless. And I am daily learning who I am meant to be. It's incredible!

  4. Wow...we are so much alike...are you an Aquarian? Who the heck wants to be the boss?...I also hate groups, I hate workshops, I want my own little space with my own little routine, doing my own little thing.

    In answer to have you changed since October...I guess you would call separating from my husband of 29 years and starting a full time job after 32 years all at age 59 some massive change...decision made November and officially on my own this week.

    Don't you love finding out who you really is never too late.

    btw...I answered your comment on my blog post yesterday.