Filling the Emptiness

I remember once, when I was grocery shopping several years ago, I had the thought that I wished that I could be the same person in the afternoon as I had been in the morning. Looking back on my experience of yesterday, I could say the same thing. When I posted yesterday morning, I was enjoying a feeling of gratitude for all of the blessings in my life. By early afternoon, I had descended into a place of feeling empty inside.

My favorite time of day is the morning after I have dropped my daughter off at carpool, and the sky is still dark. I come home, have a hot cup of tea, read something inspirational, meditate, and then write my blog post for the day. It is a truly beautiful way to spend my mornings, and I am grateful that at this time in my life I have the freedom to do that, for I know that my circumstances may not stay as they are at present and my mornings may one day belong to someone else. Once my morning ritual is over, I feel good for a period of time, until the lonliness, boredom, and emptiness set in. So, I begin to obsessively check my e-mail and look at the stats for my blog, in a feeble attempt to feel connected with people.

I have never been a great lover of technology, I don't possess many gadgets and for the most part don't have any desire to. However yesterday, I was seized with the idea that if only I had a netbook I would be really happy. The netbook would be light, attractive, and I could carry it with me wherever I go, which would provide incentive for me to write. After a couple of hours, I let go of the fantasy that the netbook would rescue me from my restlessness and emptiness. There has never been anything that I have wanted and gotten that has provided me with any real or lasting happiness. Even when I reach set goals, the emptiness remains. About a year ago, I had an article published on a fairly large Jewish website. I had the top article for the women's page that week. I received e-mails from all over the world as a result of that article. I reached a goal, gained an outer show of approval and yet at the end of the day I still felt empty. After reading this, you may come to the conclusion that I am a bit of a depressive, which has an element of truth in it. But I think that the real message for me is that lasting joy and fulfillment never come from things outside myself, and they don't come from other people thinking well of me. I want a joy that is there regardless of what is happening or not happening in my life. I have experienced that state before, the state of being happy no matter what was going on around me; that feeling carries within it contentment and inner strength and it is the highest goal that I could aspire to reach.

At the end of today, I would like to be the same person that I was this morning when I was drinking my tea.