Recently I experienced five months of rapid self-transformation, which was wonderful and quite scary. Now I have hit the time of stagnation and confusion that frequently follows one of my growth spurts. I didn't want to write about this frustrating and depressing period in my life, because I want to keep some things to myself. When I started writing this blog I thought that I would be sharing my journal online. However, writing a blog and keeping a journal are two very different endeavors. My journal is lyrical, flowing, honest, and raw. My blog is censored and at times overly cautious in an attempt to minimize offending my readers. I haven't written lately, and I don't have much to say other than what I have already said: I am stuck and don't know how to get moving again.
Random thought, but something that I feel the need to mention: I will never write anything negative about another person in this blog. I can only share about myself, as I am the only person that I really know, and I'm not sure how well I actually know myself.
Earlier today I was chatting online with my best friend from grade school; I haven't seen her for over twenty years. I may not have seen or spoken to her for twenty years, but I have dreamt about her almost every night during that period of time; my subconscious attempt to process unfinished business. I think our conversation today may have helped, and I am looking forward to seeing how she shows up in my dreams tonight. I told her that I am still the shy and quirky girl that I was as a kid, and that I battle many of the same insecurities. She said that she doesn't picture me the way that I picture myself. I think that her vision of me is a bit nicer than my own vision. As I am writing this, it occurs to me that it would be interesting to compare how other people see us to how we see ourselves. I realize that in some cases this wouldn't be a very productive or helpful exercise. However, it can be beneficial and even healing when other people see us more favorably than we see ourselves. I'm not sure how to go about this experiment, but if anyone has any ideas let me know.
Some people relate to and appreciate other people sharing about their struggles, while other people take offense. The ones that take offense are usually stoic intellectual types that don't believe in ever indulging in self-doubt or a pint of Ben and Jerry's to assuage the blues. I'm not one of those people, the stoic type I mean, although at times I admire their rugged self-assuredness. One thing that I really dislike about them is when they tell me that I think too much, or that I am too sensitive. This "overly" sensitive and thoughtful woman gets really angry, although I don't show it, when I hear those dismissive words.
So I am just praying for some guidance and insight as to what to do next. I must do something, although I certainly don't know what. As I reminded myself yesterday when I couldn't stop crying: if I knew what to do I would do it, but I don't know what to do. I just know that I am not enjoying the time after the growth spurt.