Monday, December 13, 2010

After the Growth Spurt

Recently I experienced five months of rapid self-transformation, which was wonderful and quite scary. Now I have hit the time of stagnation and confusion that frequently follows one of my growth spurts. I didn't want to write about this frustrating and depressing period in my life, because I want to keep some things to myself. When I started writing this blog I thought that I would be sharing my journal online. However, writing a blog and keeping a journal are two very different endeavors. My journal is lyrical, flowing, honest, and raw. My blog is censored and at times overly cautious in an attempt to minimize offending my readers. I haven't written lately, and I don't have much to say other than what I have already said: I am stuck and don't know how to get moving again.

Random thought, but something that I feel the need to mention: I will never write anything negative about another person in this blog. I can only share about myself, as I am the only person that I really know, and I'm not sure how well I actually know myself.

Earlier today I was chatting online with my best friend from grade school; I haven't seen her for over twenty years. I may not have seen or spoken to her for twenty years, but I have dreamt about her almost every night during that period of time; my subconscious attempt to process unfinished business. I think our conversation today may have helped, and I am looking forward to seeing how she shows up in my dreams tonight. I told her that I am still the shy and quirky girl that I was as a kid, and that I battle many of the same insecurities. She said that she doesn't picture me the way that I picture myself. I think that her vision of me is a bit nicer than my own vision. As I am writing this, it occurs to me that it would be interesting to compare how other people see us to how we see ourselves. I realize that in some cases this wouldn't be a very productive or helpful exercise. However, it can be beneficial and even healing when other people see us more favorably than we see ourselves. I'm not sure how to go about this experiment, but if anyone has any ideas let me know.

Some people relate to and appreciate other people sharing about their struggles, while other people take offense. The ones that take offense are usually stoic intellectual types that don't believe in ever indulging in self-doubt or a pint of Ben and Jerry's to assuage the blues. I'm not one of those people, the stoic type I mean, although at times I admire their rugged self-assuredness. One thing that I really dislike about them is when they tell me that I think too much, or that I am too sensitive. This "overly" sensitive and thoughtful woman gets really angry, although I don't show it, when I hear those dismissive words.

So I am just praying for some guidance and insight as to what to do next. I must do something, although I certainly don't know what. As I reminded myself yesterday when I couldn't stop crying: if I knew what to do I would do it, but I don't know what to do. I just know that I am not enjoying the time after the growth spurt.


  1. I truly believe that I am the person I am today due to the people I was very fortunate to spend time with as a child. Your family and of course you especially, have and always will hold a very special place in my heart. We all have each of us deal with them and grow is what makes us. I think that you are a strong person who has accomplished so much. You should be as proud of yourself as all of us who know you are.
    Give yourself a break and the credit you deserve. I promise we will not go another 20 years without keeping in touch. Thank you for the memories today and helping me remember why you and I were best friends all those years.


  2. I love this post! It's great to see Kelly's comment here. Last year I was fortunate to reconnect in person with my best friend from childhood. We hadn't been such great friends in high school, but 30 years down the road all the silly trivialities were forgotten. I had dreamed about her many times a year for 30 years. It was amazing to see her and get to know her again through Facebook. Childhood best friends are written in indelible ink on our hearts and souls...
    Davida, who I only met at my advanced age, would have been one of those special friends. So we're having that now....thank you for the open door to your heart. We all see each other as we really are. Our own perception of ourself is so distorted by leftover junk....
    You'll be unstuck soon, even if I have to drag you out of the 'mud' all by myself :)

  3. eloquent a sharing of the self-doubt we all experience and are afraid to give voice to. Your courage and awareness are apparent in just this one post. Combined with your are exactly who you need to be. Remember to Exhale. Long. And Slowly. And Fully. Now ILLUMINATE~~~~~~~A beautiful exercise: Consider the other in each of your top 5 relationships. Become them and write 'what do I think about Davida? how do I feel about Davida? what does Davida mean to me? who am I to Davida?' keep going, don't hold back, let it flow, I know you know what to do. And my request to you, lovely woman...RECEIVE. Open your heart to yourself, and the soul song that already pours forth through you into the world will fill you up too:-) And you will begin to Dance with the Universe.

    When I have thought of you through the years and even recently, you two are paired in my memory. Best Friends JJ & KK. Yes, I lost touch with each of you so long ago, but something can be said for the lasting impression of a dynamic duo.

    Sara Ember Sicard