A couple of days ago, I told my husband that I wasn't interested in writing this blog anymore. I felt that I was being too self-indulgent by talking about the intricacies of my life online. I really just wanted to go within, retreat into my spaceship and stop trying to connect with people. However, I posted yesterday, and I am glad that I did, because I received such beautiful and heartfelt comments from my friends.
This morning I asked myself if I am contributing more to my world by writing this blog than I would be if I were sitting behind a desk at an office job. The answer was simply and obviously yes. As I was writing my journal this morning, I was thinking that one of the worst things that I could imagine would be to live my life without having contributed to anyone else, or adding any beauty and value to the world. I realized that I am contributing and I am bringing beauty and value into the world. The problem lies in the fact that I am not contributing money to my family by doing what comes naturally to me. I really want to find an immediate remedy for this problem.
Another reason that I didn't want to continue writing the blog is that frequently I feel the need to post an antidote to my "negative" posting from the previous day, but this is not a self-help blog, nor do I ever want it to become one. Last week after posting poetic prose about my own inner dirt, I immediately started to write a new post expressing some lesson that I had learned from my digging through my dirt. However in truth, I had not assimilated any new lessons, so I immediately deleted the antidote. I don't want to worry about losing readers because of fear that they only want to hear something rosy.
Something that I relearned yesterday was that life is a process, and sometimes we have to move through the muck, which doesn't happen overnight, to make it through to the other side. We don't jump over the muck, or go around it, we move through it. When I realized that I was moving through it, and not looking for a quick fix, I became more visible to myself, and started to relax into the messy process.
Thank you to everyone that reads this blog, and a special thank you to those people that post comments. Your comments are a real treasure. We should never underestimate the impact that we have on other people.