Thursday, January 27, 2011


If I could do it all over again, meaning my life, I would go back and experience from childhood through to adulthood what life would be like to be popular. I don't mean being a pretty cheerleader, although that might be nice. What would my life have been like if I would have been self-assured and outgoing? I imagine that the experience of going to school would have been completely different than the one I had, where I was plagued with constant stomachaches and just wanted to stay home with my mom where I felt safe.

I know that beauty is not the key to having a great social life and school experience, although when I was in school I believed that beauty reigned supreme. As an adult I have seen kids, teens, and other adults that are well liked and even popular that aren't necessarily beauties. Having an outgoing personality and being a good friend is what makes other people desirous of your company. Whenever I see an average looking girl that is surrounded by friends, it gives me a warm and hopeful feeling. As a kid I always believed that looks were the most important thing, and I didn't have them, therefore, I wasn't popular. The real issue for me was not so much lack of popularity, but lack of friendship in general.

For years I blamed everyone that I went to school with from grade school through high school for giving me such a lousy social experience in my most formative years. Now being slightly more mature, I can see that the problem wasn't theirs, it was mine. I was painfully shy, and I still am. Shyness prevented me from making friends, and from being a good friend. I simply got freaked out from being around other people. Making friends, and even showing up for school was beyond difficult for me. I still battle shyness, I still struggle with friendship. I would love to be that person that entertains groups of women in my home, giving them the security to know that they can come to me for friendship. I would love to be that woman that serves her friends hot cocoa and warm gooey chocolate chip cookies when they are down. I would say, "you can take refuge in the shade of my leaves when the heat becomes too much" because that's the kind of friend that I am.

Yes, if I could do it all again I would lose the shyness and be a great friend with many friends. I would love to show up for kindergarten every morning with a feeling of excitement and anticipation for the day ahead; the chance to learn new things, play on the playground with my friends, have milk and cookies for snack and return home at noon to nap and play with my best friend Kelly for the rest of the day. Lying in bed with the sweet memories of my day running through my mind. My mommy kisses my head, and I am drifting off to sleep to be greeted by delicious dreams of a summer night's sky lit by the light of a thousand fireflies.


  1. The worst thing that happened to me in high school was being a part of the "popular" clique. I was, under my seemingly fun, funny and extraverted exterior, painfully shy and insecure. I felt like a total fraud. I wish I could go back to school( not really) and be EXTREMELY academically focused and not so worried about what people thought of me. I would tell the younger me, "these are not your people. don't worry what they think. work your ass off in school and go to the college that you want to go to. You will meet your people there." Sadly we can't go back. However, I am grateful for the lessons that my less than lovely high school years taught me.
    Beautiful writing, Davida. Your wistfulness and longing is poignant and powerful.xoxo

  2. This is one of my fave (maybe the fave) posts of yours. It is clear, real, personal and just 'there'. I totally relate. Even though I wasn't shy, I wasn't pretty and thought it would change my life if I only could be. I was happy in my first few years of school, but then got jaded :)
    You are a beautiful and loyal friend; don't think otherwise. Keep on keepin' on :o) xoxo