For the past few years I have been plagued by a recurring dream in which I was awarded my master's degrees in error, sort of. I was given degrees for both undergraduate and graduate work, only the graduate degree is really no good. Apparently, an extra math class was added as a requirement for the master's in counseling sometime after I graduated, and for some reason this is being held against me making my degree invalid. The truth is that I already have degree in hand to show any potential employer,and no one in the dream is pushing me to go back and take the math class. The more that I think about it, I'm not really sure that anyone said that my degree is no good, maybe I am the one that decided that.
I didn't try very hard in grad school, and my grades were quite good. School work didn't challenge me, however, my constant emotional ups and downs made getting through school a challenge. It seems as though subconsciously I feel that I am a fraud. Because I didn't work hard I didn't really earn the degree.
Last night I was feeling great about a post that I had written. Actually, I felt beyond great, I felt like I had entered a new place within myself as far as my writing is concerned, a place of confidence and pure joy. I felt like I was writing as my true self, writing about something that interested me. However, a couple of hours after posting I received a message from someone saying that they did not enjoy reading my post. That one sentence was enough to send me over the edge emotionally. I just figured out that I have PMS, so I really don't have that far to go right now before I am gracefully floating over the edge of the cliff. All night I felt as though I was a fraud, much like I feel in my grad school dream.
Last week I decided that I would start writing with the feeling that writing is my job (by the way, I am sending out resumes for jobs in my field and not in my field, and for the first time in several years I am not getting any response). Writing in that frame of mind produced feelings of fullness, meaningfulness, and excitement about my writing. However, last night that sweet feeling evaporated for me, and I went back to my painful monologue about being frivolous and useless right now. Other people concern themselves with "real" issues, they care about "real" and important things. Me, I live in a fantasy land where I actually believe that writing has value, and worse yet I have allowed myself to indulge the thought that my writing has value.
So this morning I am completely immersed in the feeling that I am a frivolous fraudulent person. I believe that there is some valuable information that could be extracted from my dream, however, I can't quite put it all together right now. No one is questioning me, only I am questioning myself. No one has threatened me, only I feel that I have been threatened and the degree will be taken away. The mental and emotional anguish in the dream is self-induced? I don't take myself seriously, and I don't take my accomplishment of finishing two degrees while working and raising a child on my own very seriously.
Last night I decided that I would not post anything this morning even though I wanted to. However, my desire to write was strong enough to win out over my PMS. I already dread spending the rest of the day in this frame of mind. Once I stop typing I will have to face myself. Guess it's time to look in the mirror.